Official Incident Dossier
He can't swing good. But he holds good. While other coins promise the moon, Petor Purker flies face-first into a skyscraper at 80 mph because he forgot how to let go of the web. Not the hero this market needs. The only one most of us can afford.
At approximately 14:32 local time, witnesses report a masked individual descending from a fire escape, mid-swing, full conviction, zero technique. Subject identifies as "the master behind the mask." Subject cannot, in fact, swing good. Subject can, however, hold good — a skill nobody asked for and everybody now respects.
Flight path reconstruction shows a controlled ascent followed immediately by an uncontrolled descent into the east face of a high-rise office tower, impact speed estimated at 80 mph. Subject reports forgetting how to let go of the web mid-air. Subject is fine. The window is not.
Other coins promise the moon. This case file promises a skyscraper, head-on, on a loop, forever. He is not the hero this market needs. He is, per all available evidence, the only one most of us can currently afford.
Alias: $PETOR. Known associate: gravity. Last seen apologizing to a window mid-impact.
High velocity, low altitude. Consistent with subject's general flight profile.
Subject attempts to swing. Subject becomes the projectile instead. Repeat offender.